You can try to block out the memory of opening your tray-table onto your face as much as you'd like. Your face, however, will remember.

Things I Am Not So Good At:

Pouring wine, from a box on a shelf above my head, in the dark.

Why would a person keep a box of wine on a shelf above their head?

?

?

This picture was the fruit from the Google Image tree of: Red Wine Fail. What?

Sorry, I always looks for the picture after I write...whatever this is. And it's always a random combination of words - you know, what everyone got tired of doing when they were in fifth grade/2005? It still delights me, every time.

A Short List of Human Bones Which Serve No Purpose, Yet, When Injured, Hurt More Than Would a Combination of Many Other Similarly Injured Parts

1. The Funny Bone

Yesterday, I whacked my funny bone on the bathroom door so hard I almost blacked out. This wasn't the 'owee it tingles' funny bone pain: I saw floating neon watercolors and got nauseous for a good 30 seconds. I think it was the closest I've ever come to understanding what guys describe when they talk about getting kicked in the balls. (I could listen to guys talk about getting kicked in the nuts all day. It fucking fascinates me - just knowing that I'll never get to experience it makes it terribly intriguing.)

And I recognize that the funny bone is like, part of your arm or whatever, but what the hell does it do? I've got at least three other bones in my elbow area that I can see, there are probably like, 8 more under the surface, so what element of my existence would be so dreadfully impaired if my funny bone would cease to function? Other than the four times a week I bang it into something and have to spend a minute holding it and rocking myself back to semi-consciousness? I'll take the funny-bonectomy, please.

2. The Tail Bone

Oh my God, I hate the human tailbone. First of all, the fact that we all have a vestigial tail between our ass cheeks is just totally gross. If we still had actual tails ... well, I think it goes without saying that would just be the most baller shit ever. But no. Instead we have this gnarly little cropping of bone that you can't see, and that does nothing...except hurt like a fucking demon when you injure it.

A few months ago I was exiting Good Time Emporium (fuck you, IKEA!!!) in the rain, and I happened to be wearing the same pair of flats I'd sported during the City Hall Plaza Tumble of 2007 that resulted in my broken right foot. Apparently, the stairs at Good Time and the stairs in the plaza have a similar texture/spacing/lack of traction/I'm an asshole, and I went down. Right down the stairs and into the parking lot, scoring a direct hit on my coccyx in the process. That shit hurt for WEEKS. No exaggeration, if I lean back on it too quickly, I still need to take a minute to recover. In the weeks following the injury I even had to buy myself the furniture-equivalent of a hemorrhoid donut (yes, shit, I know I bought that at Ikea, but it actually helped). And what part of my daily routine was seriously impacted by this irritating fester of an injury? Exactly nothing - except for the part where I had to explain to everyone that no, I couldn't accept a seat on that nice wooden stool they were offering, because I'm a moron and my fucking ass hurts too much to sit down on a regular surface like a normal human being. The tailbone is the worst. Get this bone outta my ass!

3. Eh, that's sort of it, really.

I told you it would be a short list. As I was making it, I realized there are lots of bones that hurt when slammed against a surface like concrete or wood, or when trapped between a door and the body of an automobile - but all of those bones serve various purposes, so they didn't quite fit the criteria for the list. And the appendix fits all the requirements except for the whole 'it's not a bone' thing. If some one's taking suggestions, though, I could probably work up a whole presentation on parts of the body that are utterly annoying and, in my opinion, supererogatory. I'd start by proposing we eliminate those really sensitive little hairs at the nape of your neck. My barrette just got stuck on some, and I almost started crying at my desk.