I Love it When...

...you're randomly prowling around on Facebook, and you click on someone that you haven't checked in on in YEARS, and all of a sudden they're married and they have really cute dog, and they're on a hike or farming or something, and their spouse looks really nice and totally like someone that makes sense for them to be into, based on what you knew about them 13 years ago, and you're just like, "Ah, that is so awesome for them! Tiny, wonderful things happen to people all the time, and it's fantastic!"?

As weird as it is, and as awful as it can be, that's one of the things that I really, really like about Facebook.

It took me literally three minutes to decide if I want 'so awesome' to be capitalized (which it originally was) in italics, or bolded, because they all mean different things to me, and I really wanted to make sure it didn't read as sarcastic. And now I'm like 'do I care way to much about punctuation?'

This was the second picture of the Google Image search 'Facebook is okay sometimes.'

Things I Am Not So Good At:

Pouring wine, from a box on a shelf above my head, in the dark.

Why would a person keep a box of wine on a shelf above their head?

?

?

This picture was the fruit from the Google Image tree of: Red Wine Fail. What?

Sorry, I always looks for the picture after I write...whatever this is. And it's always a random combination of words - you know, what everyone got tired of doing when they were in fifth grade/2005? It still delights me, every time.

Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress

The other day, a friend and I were talking about Twitter. More specifically, about whether or not I should join Twitter, and, were I to join, what my Twitter-name should be. There's probably a more techno-elegant name for that. Anyway, he suggested that I "just pick a celebrity, and throw a 'not' in there. Like - NOTCharlieSheen.' A few minutes later, we had my new favorite band name: Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress (it's too long for that Twitter-name business.). And over the next few hours, I had a lot of thoughts about Charlie Sheen.

It appears that he's been in the news more than usual lately, for the sort of Charlie Sheen-esque escapades you'd expect. Rehab! Sex Tapes! Divorces! Why is anyone surprised? Why are these women in his life AT ALL SURPRISED BY HIS INSANITY, EVER?

The whole reason 'Reluctant Mistress' is awesome, to me, is because it indicates that one should be somewhat-to-extremely embarrassed to reveal their romantic affiliation with the dude. Because homeboy is a train wreck.

Ladies - it's fucking CHARLIE SHEEN. Charlie Sheen. If you turned to me randomly, at any time of day, and said "Quick: name the celebrity you think is most likely to be snorting a line of cocaine off a woman's body at this very moment?" My answer will ALWAYS be: "I don't know, Charlie Sheen?" Three years ago, if it were after midnight, I might be like "Possibly Steve-O. Or Russell Brand. But if they are, Charlie Sheen is probably with them. Charlie Sheen probably started it." But now it's 2011, and Steve-O is all straight edge (probably for the best) and Russell Brand is all wifey-ed up with Katy Perry (eh...is anything really for the best when a Katy-with-a-'y' hooks up with a guy who exclusively wears skinny leather pants and a lot of eyeliner? We'll call this a draw.) But Charlie Sheen is still bankrolling porn stars to hang out with him at days-long parties, where he greets guests at the door in a wine-stained shirt and, apparently, gold teeth.

So, ladies who make the - likely substance addled, but presumably consensual - decision to make things official with Mr. Sheen...what the hell were you expecting?

Given everything, it's surprising to me that Two and a Half Men is still on the air. Not because it's stupid - it's really no stupider than 90% of the other shit that's on network television right now. My own personal problems with the show stem mostly from the fact that I hate to think that Duckie grew up to be some awkward, marginally employed loser with a borderline retarded, loafy child relegated to living in his brother's house with a wardrobe consisting entirely of ill-fitting shorts and belts that look like they're apologizing for being so...braided. And, I hate that creepy kid and the housekeeper character is terrifying. Charlie Sheen is the character on the show I'd actually most like to hang out with.

I have to stop writing now. I can't believe I just said that. Putting the wine DOWN.

If Pandora Were A Person...

10:25 p.m.. On a Sunday. The Sunday after Christmas. It is snowing. Sort of.

Pandora plays Mobb Deep's 'Hell On Earth'.

Pandora: What kk? What?

Me: Are you trying to get me pumped up right now?

Pandora: Yes. You look like you're falling asleep over there. It's time. For you to get pumped up!

Me: For what, exactly?

Pandora: I want you to get really pumped up --

Pandora plays 'Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing Ta F' With'.

Pandora: to MAKE YOUR LUNCH FOR TOMORROW! YESSSS!!!

Me: I have to admit, I'm legitimately excited to make to go make my lunch right now. Spinach salads better recognize!!! But why are you using all this motivational goodness up on me right now?

Pandora: I know you, love. Better than anyone else. And I care about your well-being in a completely proportionate amount. If I'd played that one-two while you were getting ready to go out last Saturday? Scary things might have happened. That close to the full moon and the solstice AND the eclipse? People might have died. Or at least disappeared. Wait, what are -- are you doing the butterfly right now? Hang on.

Pandora plays SWV's 'Rain'.

Pandora: Are you...is that a little better? I don't want you to stab yourself over there.

Me: That was exactly what I needed. Now I'm relaxed. Unpumped, a little. But still ready to continue chopping. Also, the SVW got me thinking about Taj, the lady in the group who got to be in SVW, marry Eddie George, and then was on fucking Survivor. Like, she is so awesome. Holy shit, I just Googled her to link to her name, and her Wikipedia page is unexpectedly inspiring. I was not expecting to read that and be like 'what an incredible story!' She is going to be so creeped out when I write her a letter asking if I can write her biography.

Pandora: Can you repeat that? I didn't catch it all, I'm playing pretty loudly right now. You turn it up a few notches when you're two to three glasses into the bottle. I'm not judging. I just notice these things. Hello, my whole appeal is in the observational data I gather and process. What were were talking about? Taj. Don't look at me like that! I mean it. I want to know. It's not silly. Tell me again. Oh my god, you're just going to tell me later anyway, spit it out. No, I'm not laughing. No. No (snort) I'm sorry, honey, now you're making me laugh. With your angry face. It's a perverse reaction, I know. Didn't I just get you all pumped up to make that salad? I can't relax for a minute? I'm listening to these songs too. Are you...what, you're not talking to me now? Don't test me, child.

Pandora plays an insipid commercial block, then threatens with the monthly listening limit warning.

Dream Log

I had a sex dream about Jaime-Lynn Siegler once. You know - Meadow. From the Sopranos?

We were in a dormitory - what I imagine a boarding school dormitory might have looked like in a time before ascots were ironic; all dark wood and dim lighting.

Jamie-Lynn and I were alone. In the room, in the dorm, we were the only people on the entire campus. We didn’t talk about the Soprano’s. We kept our underwear on and kissed each other’s stomachs, and we stared out the window for hours without leaving bed.

When the sun came, the courtyard in front of her dorm filled up with cars. Every type of car. They - the cars, and people who drove them - held all sorts of events while we watched from the window. There were drag races and a demolition derby, and even a relay to see who could change a tire the fastest.

When they were done, the grass of the courtyard had been utterly ruined, and Jamie-Lynn pulled the blinds. She said she was starving, and we talked about where we should eat until I woke up.

Live Action Oscar Rambles

Oooh look! The Oscars are on! I didn't realize those were tonight. Hey - Jon Stewart is hosting? Yay! I love Jon Stewart! I'm going to watch this.

8:15 - Ok, there is a half hour pre show? On ABC? Hasn't E been doing this all day? I'm going to walk the dog.

8:30 - Finally. Opening monologue. I love you Jon Stewart. I even love your jokes that fall flat. Love you, love you.

8:40 - Initial thoughts on Oscar Hair 2008: so far both Ellen Page and Jennifer Garner are rocking messy textured hair that would look a whole lot better if it was just a little shiny. Messy hair is cool, but reassure me that it's clean, ladies. Jennifer Garner's hair actually looks exactly like mine did this morning. But I woke up on the couch this morning, after arriving home Saturday night and determining that my bed was simply too far, and the path there littered with too many shoes. Jennifer Garner's hair looked like it shared the evening with mine.

8:47 - Hey! George Clooney in the audience! Did you know his girlfriend was a waitress until like 15 minutes ago? Vote Clooney!

8:50 - 80th Oscar Birthday Montage. I dig the montage. By the way, when did the whole cultural backlash against Billy Crystal begin? Like, all of a sudden everyone hates him. What the hell did he ever do to you?

Oooh, I wish I had been alive when Isaac Hayes performed Shaft. That should win the Oscar for best performance in Oscar History. Then the category should be closed. It was that awesome. And Jesus, Hollywood was really open about its rampant drug use in the 70's. Oh, and the 60's. And the 80's.

8:52 - I love Anne Hathaway's skin. Her dress, however is heinous. It looks like she snipped a red lei in half and stapled it to her chest.

Jesus, I have seen no movies this year. This whole 'waiting till shit appears on HBO/On Demand' thing is killing me. Was Hot Rod nominated for anything? No?

Katherine Heigel...so, one shoulder brightly colored dresses are in this year? Kinda ick. But I am digging this pale skin thing.

Hey, the third Pirates of the Carribbean movie came out already? I still haven't seen the second one.

8:55 - I'm seeing La Vie En Rose like, immediately. I just developed the hugest crush on Marion Cotillard.

9:00 - I hate the Oscar songs. Always. These songs always suck. Except Shaft, of course. And when Three Six Mafia was nominated. The song sucked, actually, it was just a really weird cultural moment. Why the hell is Amy Adams singing about scrubbing toilets? Why is she wearing an outfit from my elementary school music teacher's wardrobe? Her heels are killer, though.

9:05 - Yes! The McDonald's commercial with the b-boy kid dunking his apple slices! I want to hang out with that kid.

9:07 - When did The Rock become a legitimate actor? What did I miss? I mean, he's not presenting for Best Actor or anything, so he's not that legit...yet. At this rate he'll be the mayor of someplace in three years. Oh, you don't believe me? Did you know that Jesse Ventura was in Predator? Wrestler --> Actor --> Politician. That's how the politically ambitious and heavily muscled roll.

9:10 - Vanessa Paradis has lipstick on her teeth. I didn't know that actually happened in real life.

Ooh, Cate Blanchett is presenting. I LOVE Cate Blanchett. It's almost impossible to believe she's real. Did you see Notes on a Scandal? She's super human. I could write poetry dedicated to her hair in that movie. And I like her dress, except for the collar. What the hell is going on at the neckline? It looks like she's holding the fabric up with a floral boa constrictor.

9:20ish - Best Supporting Actor Award, presented by Jennifer Hudson. Goddamn, Jennifer Hudson. Did you take like 4 Ambien and attack your dress with a pair of scissors before you got on stage? Are you a robot? Is your system malfunctioning? Someone help her.

Javier Bardem wins! And then immediately makes out with the old lady next to him. Isn't he dating Penelope Cruz? Did he just love all over his mom? That was weird. She looks like she rocks though - check out her bracelets! And dope speech, Javier. God, he's sexy. Ok, but stop making out with your mom, man. It's creeping me out.

9:30ish - I adore Kerri Russell, and her necklace and her dress...but why is the bodice so huge? I love that she's cool with her small chest...but a camera with a birds eye view could make this shit x-rated real fast. You're Kerri Russell. Get it fitted.

Woah, the song from August Rush does not suck. Who is this little girl singing? She's incredible. Is she wearing track pants?

And the Oscar for Whitest Moment of the Evening goes to Jon Stewart...for referring to the ubiquitous white person dance as 'the cabin patch'. My flame of love for him flickered a little there.

9:40: Best Supporting Actress Award. Tilda Swinton wins! Goddamn, Tilda looks a hot mess. That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen. And I love the pale skin this year, but this woman looks dead. Like she was buried for 3 months, and dug her way out of the ground just in time for the ceremony. She is still wearing the shroud she was buried in. Her speech was cool, though. She said 'nipples' and 'buttocks' in the same minute. Jesus, how freaking hot is George Clooney? I need to see Michael Clayton.

9:45 - Even Jessica Alba is pale! I love it! God, she's gorgeous. But what the hell is with all the horrendous bodice-feathers tonight? The inspiration, apparently, was a very timid showgirl.

9:50 - Best Screenplay Based on Material Already Produced or Published or Something...damn, didn't this category just used to be called 'Best Adapted Screenplay'? How do they fit all that on the Oscar? There's not much room for text.

9:52 - Another wack song. Miley Cyrus terrifies me, although her dress was beautiful. (Did you know Miley is short for Smiley, which is what her parents called her as a baby? That is the stupidest nickname I have ever heard.) Kristin Chenowith is so cute, I wish she wasn't torturing my ears with this heinousness. Do she and Kerri Russell shop at Too Big In the Bodice 'R Us? It's cool that you own your flat chestedness. But you're rich. Find a tailor. Oh my God, this song is awful.

10:02 - Is it weird that I have an ENORMOUS CRUSH on Seth Rogen? I don't usually go for pudgy guys with JewFros. And yet.

The Sound Mixing and editing Award...Tommy Lee Jones was in No Country for Old Men? I didn't know that. There's this whole weird segment of the population who insist he looks like my Dad. Really! Whenever my Dad used to tell me this, I never believed him, because he looks nothing like Tommy Lee Jones. Then we were having lunch one time and our waitress ACTUALLY ASKED HIM if he was Tommy Lee Jones. It was bizarre. Other, normal members of the human race think he resembles Mike Lowell.

10:10 - Best Actress Award. I knew nothing about Marion Cotillard before tonight, but now I adore her. Not the mermaid dress so much, but she's French, they can get away with that. Cutey speech, too.

10:18 - It was sort of strange that they came back from commercial to Jon Stewart and the August Rush singing girl playing Wii Tennis. Was this product placement? Or did the writesr burn out before they edited this segment? Oh Jesus, another fucking song. Hey! Is Colin Farrel talking about the song from Once? I loved that movie! And all the songs! Are they going to perform? Yay! And who don't I have a massive crush on? Because Glen Hansard? I love him. You know what? I'm going to put the wine down for a little bit.

10:25 - Best Picture Montage. I have seen exactly 26 of the Best Pictures. Out of 79. I feel like I should have seen more. But there are some movies I am just never going to see. Like Lord of the Rings. Oh, get over it.

10:32 - I hate Nicole Kidman. I have to say that before I admit that she is wearing the most gorgeous necklace I have ever seen. Now, I will repeat: I hate Nicole Kidman.

The Honorary Oscar Presentation. Dude - Robert Goyle looks INCREDIBLE for 98. 98! He came out wearing a towel like Rocky, and then spouted nonsense for five minutes. Do your thing old man! 98! This might wind up as my favorite moment of the whole night.

10:45 - ANOTHER song from Enchanted? Really? Hey look! John Travolta! Oh my God! Why is he dancing to this crap? Ah, because he's going to announce the winner. If the song from Once doesn't win...Yay! It wins! And Glen Hansard told everyone to make art and I totally love him and I almost cried a little. Shit, how did this wine glass get back in my hand?

10:58 - Cameron Diaz has my favorite dress of the night.

11:00 - I got hungry here and prowled around the kitchen for a while and missed the people-who-died montage. Ok, I did it on purpose. That shit makes me cry.

11:26 - Best Original Screenplay. Diablo Cody's badass Betty Rubble dress rocked...and her near breakdown was adorable. Look at all these people with emotions tonight! Emotions and pale skin! It's all very deconstructed this evening.

Yes, I need to see Juno, too. I told you! I wait till shit comes out on HBO! It costs at least $10 to see a movie in Boston, and I can never decide which one to see, and I get thirsty or have to pee at least once, and I can never find my seat again, never mind the correct screening room - one time I left to find the bathroom and somehow used an exit that deposited me directly INTO THE PARKING LOT. It took me forever to figure out how to get back into the building. Movie theatres are stressful. Plus, I am a girl who is taking notes during the damn Oscars. I am easily distracted. I like possessing the ability to rewind.

11:30 - Best Actor. I'm actually loving the retrospectives. But I can't even see a clip from Philadelphia without tearing up, so I'm already misting a little when Helen Mirren takes the stage. Weird dress, but she's the shit. Obviously, I am rooting for George Clooney, but everyone says Daniel Day Lewis is going to win. DDL's my Dad's number one man-crush, though, so I'm not mad at him. And he wins! Look at his crazy old school suit! He bows for Helen Mirren! I am so, so charmed by his crazy ass. I know he's supposed to be this super intense method acting nutcase, but his speech was sweet and humble...so charmed. He's a real artist. Make art!

11:41 - Best Picture. Hey! Denzel! My Momma (who is the truth, as mommas go) has loved three men in her life, that I'm aware of: my Daddy, Peter Jennings, and Denzel Washington. As such, I have similar feelings of warmth. Man, I really need to see No Country for Old Men.

Hey, its over? Cool. I'd like to thank my parents and their non-Tommy Lee Jones-resembling, Denzel-loving, pale-small-chested-child producing asses; my brother, the other pale flat chested relative I love; and my dog, whose studded collar was the best accessory of the night.