For My Ladies, Single and Otherwise

I don't think I've made a habit of endorsing products here (though I have made some specific warnings about certain gross foods. Frozen pudding, gags and gags, ugh.) because I feel like: if you care about my opinion on something like face cream or conditioner, you'd just ask me. And since no one's like, banging down my door, I'm assuming no one cares. But today, I have to say something. I can't keep this to myself.

Holy shit, Garnier's BB Cream. Holy Shit. This stuff - it's like making the switch from pads to tampons. Your life will improve that much. Honestly, there is no reason I shouldn't look like absolute shit this week. I went out too much last weekend, and I smoked too many cigarettes, and because I'm old now I just can't stop being exhausted, and I'm probably PMSing and a whole host of other shit that should make my face look like, haggard. I keep waking up and expecting to see Heidi Fleiss in the mirror. But I don't. I look kind of fly. Because of this stuff.

I am a maddeningly inconsistent human being, but when it came to foundation, I kept things pretty regular for the last fifteen years or so*. Until last year when I was like 'I am tired of putting all this shit on my face every morning' so I went to just concealer, but then sometimes you're like 'my face looks like a pile of garbage this morning' and foundation's really good for that.

Then the other day I was reading XOJane.com (Cat Marnell is totally what I would have become had I grown up with money, so, naturally, I love her and read everything she writes. Also, she's a fabulous writer) and she was raving about this BB Cream, and her opinion's been gold in my book since I first saw her rocking these tights (look at these tights! They are the most fabulous things ever. I'm wearing them right now.) So I was like 'I'll try it'.

Holy shit. Holy shit! First of all, it smells better than foundation (it's more like a tinted moisturizer) and you can just smear it on your face and it blends in easy, and then - it actually makes your skin look better. For reals. Measurably better. After like, three days I noticed a difference, and then I was like 'maybe I'm just drunk' - and I was - but, here it is Wednesday and my skin looks fucking awesome. That's it. If you want your face to look fucking awesome when it has no earthly right to, then use this shit.

If you're a guy and you made it this far, I have a prize for you. And by prize I mean advice. Buy this shit for someone in your life**. And if they respond 'Um, why the shit did you get me face cream and hoisery?' Just be like: Woman, I am about to rock your world/make you feel like the sexiest motherfucker alive/whatever it is you say to your lady friends, because I'm betting you don't talk to them like the character that resulted when Shaft and Leon Phelps mixed their DNA. Anyway, they'll appreciate it.

*In a sort of backhanded product endorsement, that old standard was CoverGirl AquaSmooth. I've tried everything out there, and that shit is my second favorite. And it's like, $30 less expensive than the third favorite, which I don't even remember what that is I've been on CG so long.

**I don't know, probably not for Valentine's Day? I don't really know the rules for that, though.

Easy Exercises to Tighten...Your Vocab

There's something I'm going to change in this country, and you have to help me change it. We're all part of the problem. If you don't know what the problem is yet, then you might have a lot of work to do. I'm not talking about global warming, or recycling, or over dependence on foreign oil. I'm talking about the three skin blisteringly horrendous phrases that need to be eliminated from every American's vocabulary. It needs to happen now. Like, right away, before I start doling out lobotomies. You might not even realize you're guilty of what I'm about to accuse you of. I didn't, until I had a few inadvertent self-interventions. Ready? Your life is about it change. You can sit down if you want.

1) "Basically". We need to stop saying this word, and we need to stop RIGHT NOW. You might not have noticed it's sheer prevalence in every day conversation. Believe me - it's there, and it's a problem. And it breeds like a rodent.

Step one: start listening. You're going to hear it constantly after a few days of tuning your ears, and its going to drive you fucking bananas. I apologize for soiling your innocence, but it's going to make you a better person, I promise.

Step two: Understand that people are throwing this word around with little to no regard for its actual definition. Listen: I don't hate 'basically' because I hate adverbs, like some people. I like adverbs. There aren't enough adjectives in this language to suit me, and when I tack on an adverb, it's like making a whole new adjective. I find that delightful. So I don't hate basically for what it is. I hate that its being so brutally abused. Every second, basically gets strapped in front of some situation that it has fucking nothing to do with, just to soften the blow. Jesus people, leave basically out of it! What did basically ever do to you?? For example, you can't 'basically' be dead, or 'basically' be bankrupt, or 'basically' be in jail. You either are in one of those situations, or you aren't. You can argue with me all you like, but ask actual dead, bankrupt or incarcerated people - there's a whole big line, and once you've crossed over, there's no more 'basically' about it. And if you ever ask a waiter what's in a dish, and he responds with a definition that includes 'basically'...leave the restaurant. Immediately.

Step Three: Begin cringing when you hear yourself use the word. Look, I know change hurts. But admitting you have a problem is the first step towards sounding like you might have a clue what you're talking about. If you start now, you'll be using the word appropriately (and thus, sparingly) by spring.

2) 'At the End of the Day'

Last year, this was voted the most overused phrase by a variety of sources. I heard that story, and was like 'who even says that?' The next day I was just cruising around, chatting, when I realized: OH MY GOD I SAY IT ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME!!! I was so grossed out I had to gargle with the non-pleasant-tasting Listerine for five whole minutes.

Since then, I've noticed that this phrase has infected the language like a termite colony. Shit is everywhere, shit cannot be killed, shit compromises the integrity of everything around it. People freaking start sentences with the phrase, just gearing up to say whatever it is they're actually trying to communicate. 'Basically' + 'shitty justification no one cares about because we don't know what you're trying to say, vague-ass' = 'At the end of the day'. Stop the insanity. What does it even mean? That you're ok with being a dickhole for the other 10 hours of the day that you're out interacting with other humans? You mean 'long term'? Are you talking about a goal? Fucking say that then.

3) 'Giving 110%'

Oh, man. This one makes me especially crazy. By telling someone that you plan on giving 110%, it only demonstrates that you are unaware of your own capabilities, and possess unreasonable performance expectations. I see disappointment in your future.

Listen - you can improve 110% from a previous performance. Shit, you can improve your performance 500% if you do five times better than you did last time. But you can't give 110%, because it isn't fucking possible. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just letting you know that to anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of percentages, you sound like a tool. Yes, your 100% might be a whole lot better than everyone elses 100%, professional athletes, but it doesn't mean you have an extra 10% to give, because JESUS CHRIST I CAN'T EVEN FINISH EXPLAINING THIS. YOU ONLY GET 100%. That's everything. So knock it off.

Ok, I'm tired now. Changing the world is hard work. Good luck out there.