Another Disappointment, Brought to You by The Holiday Season

Hey, you know what's fucking disgusting?

Brigham's new seasonal flavor: Frozen Pudding. Did you get excited and sort of confused reading that? Yeah. Let me save you $4.50 and a really heartbreaking let-down in the field of frozen confections. Read on.

Here's what happened: This weekend, I was visiting my neighborhood White Hen Market, picking up supplies for the impending Nor'easter. (I ended up with Camel Lights, toilet paper, orange juice, lottery tickets, toothpaste, dog food, dish soap and trash bags. Don't you hate when you run out of normal-person stuff all at once? It makes me feel like I'm starting my life all over after running away or something.) In the course of my errand, I paused by the ice-cream-delights door of the freezer section. After eliminating all the Ben & Jerry's flavors as tired, my eyes stopped on something new in the Brigham's section. Seasonal flavor alert! I love seasonal flavors! And from Brigham's no less - the people who have mastered the ultimate seasonal flavor - Peppermint Stick. How could I go wrong?

In this case, the seasonal carton was labeled 'Frozen Pudding'. And I thought 'score'. Because what do I like more than ice cream? Pudding. Brigham's had magically combined the two for the Holiday Season? Gorgeous. I put it in my little hand cart. Frozen Pudding was coming home with me.

I'm going to skip the part of the story where I take the Frozen Pudding home, dish it out, and lovingly dig into it with my special little long-handled spoon. I am going to skip it, because it is too traumatic, and I'm honestly not done processing those emotions yet. Suffice to say, the cause of my shock and horror: I had ended up purchasing the most offensively foul tasting frozen food ever created. In sum:

THIS PRODUCT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE PUDDING. THIS IS SOME OLD PERSON EUPHEMISM FOR 'HORRENDOUS FROZEN MIXTURE OF VOMIT AND DRIED FRUIT'.

There should be a disclaimer-tag affixed to each carton. It should be printed in bright yellow, with raised lettering: WARNING: DO YOU LOVE ACTUAL PUDDING? IMAGINE EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS PUDDING IS. THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL FIND INSIDE THIS CONTAINER OF COLD, CREAMY DAIRY HELL. At the register, you should be required to sign a waiver before purchasing or consuming this product, to confirm that you have read and understand what will happen inside your mouth upon consumption.

In hindsight, maybe I should have done my due diligence and inquired about the ingredients. I would have then discovered that Frozen Pudding is sadistic ice cream industry slang for 'Vanilla ice cream with seven fruits (pineapple, peaches, pears, raisins, apricots, red and green cherries) marinated in dark rum' and I would have said 'Holy fuck, that sounds atrocious, and what the fuck is a green cherry?' and saved us all this trouble. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20...and I'm a blind damn fool for pudding.