Umbrella Ettiquette

I'm beginning to think that that people should be required to obtain a license before owning and/or operating an umbrella. Ridiculous, I know, but my mind is blown every day by some asshole irresponsibly wielding an umbrella. I think Bostonians are particularly negligent. In New Orleans, where freak rainstorms happen at least daily, people manage this shit without a problem, and pleasantly, to boot. It was there that I learned many of these rules.

1. You may only carry an umbrella when it is actually raining. If at any point it stops raining, you must put your umbrella away. If it is raining so lightly that you aren't sure it's even precipitating - put it away.

2. You may never carry an umbrella to protect you from the sun. Referring to it as a parasol does not help. It makes it worse.

3. Snow is not rain. Refer to rule number 1. (An exception is sleet. If it is sleeting, or something else is falling from the sky that physically pains you and makes walking difficult, you may use appropriate protection.)

4. I f you pass someone on a narrow street, and you are both carrying umbrellas, one of you must raise and one of you must lower your umbrellas so that you don't whack into each other. Sensically, the tall person should extend their arm skyward, and the shorter individual should bend their elbow. There is no need for a battle of wills. Be decent.

5. THIS RULE IS IS SO UNDERRATED, KEEP YOUR UMBRELLAS AND YOUR BICYCLES COMPLETELY SEPARATED. Sorry, couldn't help myself. But really - every time I see someone riding a bike while holding an umbrella I feel like my head is going to explode.

6. The only time an umbrella may be opened inside is for drying purposes.

7. When entering or exiting a building, you may not block the doorway while struggling to open or close your umbrella. Besides being incredibly rude, it also constitutes a fire hazard.

7a. When exiting a building you may not, under any circumstances, stick your umbrella out the door and blindly open it onto the sidewalk INTO THE FACES AND BODIES OF INNOCENT PEDESTRIANS. A violation of this rule is, in some cases, punishable by death.

8. If your umbrella blows inside out, it's ok to stop and laugh for a second as you fix it, because that shit is funny. If it happens more than twice in a five-minute period, it is obviously not umbrella-friendly weather, and you need to let the dream of remaining dry die.Move on.

9. If you hit someone with your umbrella, you have to apologize. Seriously, everyone knows it was an accident. But you still snagged my sweater and got my shoulder all wet. Just apologize.

If you aren't sure if your conduct constitutes an infraction, just ask. Although if you have to ask, the answer is probably 'yes'.

Just as with automobiles, if you violate one of these rules, you should be issued a ticket and ordered to pay a fee. If you commit three or more infractions, your umbrella should be taken away. After 90 days, you may have your umbrella back. If after your umbrella is returned to you, you continue to flaunt these rules, and you are caught, your umbrella should be permanently taken from you, without the possibility of return. From that point until your death, you shall be denied to the privilege (yes, privilege) to remain dry in inclement weather. Should a storm become truly severe, you may be permitted, in special instances, to wear one of those umbrella-hats that help identify assholes on the beach. That privilege shall be awarded to you by a tribunal, made up of small children who have been responsible umbrella-license holders for at least four years. There is no appeal process.