Live Action Oscar Rambles

Oooh look! The Oscars are on! I didn't realize those were tonight. Hey - Jon Stewart is hosting? Yay! I love Jon Stewart! I'm going to watch this.

8:15 - Ok, there is a half hour pre show? On ABC? Hasn't E been doing this all day? I'm going to walk the dog.

8:30 - Finally. Opening monologue. I love you Jon Stewart. I even love your jokes that fall flat. Love you, love you.

8:40 - Initial thoughts on Oscar Hair 2008: so far both Ellen Page and Jennifer Garner are rocking messy textured hair that would look a whole lot better if it was just a little shiny. Messy hair is cool, but reassure me that it's clean, ladies. Jennifer Garner's hair actually looks exactly like mine did this morning. But I woke up on the couch this morning, after arriving home Saturday night and determining that my bed was simply too far, and the path there littered with too many shoes. Jennifer Garner's hair looked like it shared the evening with mine.

8:47 - Hey! George Clooney in the audience! Did you know his girlfriend was a waitress until like 15 minutes ago? Vote Clooney!

8:50 - 80th Oscar Birthday Montage. I dig the montage. By the way, when did the whole cultural backlash against Billy Crystal begin? Like, all of a sudden everyone hates him. What the hell did he ever do to you?

Oooh, I wish I had been alive when Isaac Hayes performed Shaft. That should win the Oscar for best performance in Oscar History. Then the category should be closed. It was that awesome. And Jesus, Hollywood was really open about its rampant drug use in the 70's. Oh, and the 60's. And the 80's.

8:52 - I love Anne Hathaway's skin. Her dress, however is heinous. It looks like she snipped a red lei in half and stapled it to her chest.

Jesus, I have seen no movies this year. This whole 'waiting till shit appears on HBO/On Demand' thing is killing me. Was Hot Rod nominated for anything? No?

Katherine Heigel...so, one shoulder brightly colored dresses are in this year? Kinda ick. But I am digging this pale skin thing.

Hey, the third Pirates of the Carribbean movie came out already? I still haven't seen the second one.

8:55 - I'm seeing La Vie En Rose like, immediately. I just developed the hugest crush on Marion Cotillard.

9:00 - I hate the Oscar songs. Always. These songs always suck. Except Shaft, of course. And when Three Six Mafia was nominated. The song sucked, actually, it was just a really weird cultural moment. Why the hell is Amy Adams singing about scrubbing toilets? Why is she wearing an outfit from my elementary school music teacher's wardrobe? Her heels are killer, though.

9:05 - Yes! The McDonald's commercial with the b-boy kid dunking his apple slices! I want to hang out with that kid.

9:07 - When did The Rock become a legitimate actor? What did I miss? I mean, he's not presenting for Best Actor or anything, so he's not that legit...yet. At this rate he'll be the mayor of someplace in three years. Oh, you don't believe me? Did you know that Jesse Ventura was in Predator? Wrestler --> Actor --> Politician. That's how the politically ambitious and heavily muscled roll.

9:10 - Vanessa Paradis has lipstick on her teeth. I didn't know that actually happened in real life.

Ooh, Cate Blanchett is presenting. I LOVE Cate Blanchett. It's almost impossible to believe she's real. Did you see Notes on a Scandal? She's super human. I could write poetry dedicated to her hair in that movie. And I like her dress, except for the collar. What the hell is going on at the neckline? It looks like she's holding the fabric up with a floral boa constrictor.

9:20ish - Best Supporting Actor Award, presented by Jennifer Hudson. Goddamn, Jennifer Hudson. Did you take like 4 Ambien and attack your dress with a pair of scissors before you got on stage? Are you a robot? Is your system malfunctioning? Someone help her.

Javier Bardem wins! And then immediately makes out with the old lady next to him. Isn't he dating Penelope Cruz? Did he just love all over his mom? That was weird. She looks like she rocks though - check out her bracelets! And dope speech, Javier. God, he's sexy. Ok, but stop making out with your mom, man. It's creeping me out.

9:30ish - I adore Kerri Russell, and her necklace and her dress...but why is the bodice so huge? I love that she's cool with her small chest...but a camera with a birds eye view could make this shit x-rated real fast. You're Kerri Russell. Get it fitted.

Woah, the song from August Rush does not suck. Who is this little girl singing? She's incredible. Is she wearing track pants?

And the Oscar for Whitest Moment of the Evening goes to Jon Stewart...for referring to the ubiquitous white person dance as 'the cabin patch'. My flame of love for him flickered a little there.

9:40: Best Supporting Actress Award. Tilda Swinton wins! Goddamn, Tilda looks a hot mess. That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen. And I love the pale skin this year, but this woman looks dead. Like she was buried for 3 months, and dug her way out of the ground just in time for the ceremony. She is still wearing the shroud she was buried in. Her speech was cool, though. She said 'nipples' and 'buttocks' in the same minute. Jesus, how freaking hot is George Clooney? I need to see Michael Clayton.

9:45 - Even Jessica Alba is pale! I love it! God, she's gorgeous. But what the hell is with all the horrendous bodice-feathers tonight? The inspiration, apparently, was a very timid showgirl.

9:50 - Best Screenplay Based on Material Already Produced or Published or Something...damn, didn't this category just used to be called 'Best Adapted Screenplay'? How do they fit all that on the Oscar? There's not much room for text.

9:52 - Another wack song. Miley Cyrus terrifies me, although her dress was beautiful. (Did you know Miley is short for Smiley, which is what her parents called her as a baby? That is the stupidest nickname I have ever heard.) Kristin Chenowith is so cute, I wish she wasn't torturing my ears with this heinousness. Do she and Kerri Russell shop at Too Big In the Bodice 'R Us? It's cool that you own your flat chestedness. But you're rich. Find a tailor. Oh my God, this song is awful.

10:02 - Is it weird that I have an ENORMOUS CRUSH on Seth Rogen? I don't usually go for pudgy guys with JewFros. And yet.

The Sound Mixing and editing Award...Tommy Lee Jones was in No Country for Old Men? I didn't know that. There's this whole weird segment of the population who insist he looks like my Dad. Really! Whenever my Dad used to tell me this, I never believed him, because he looks nothing like Tommy Lee Jones. Then we were having lunch one time and our waitress ACTUALLY ASKED HIM if he was Tommy Lee Jones. It was bizarre. Other, normal members of the human race think he resembles Mike Lowell.

10:10 - Best Actress Award. I knew nothing about Marion Cotillard before tonight, but now I adore her. Not the mermaid dress so much, but she's French, they can get away with that. Cutey speech, too.

10:18 - It was sort of strange that they came back from commercial to Jon Stewart and the August Rush singing girl playing Wii Tennis. Was this product placement? Or did the writesr burn out before they edited this segment? Oh Jesus, another fucking song. Hey! Is Colin Farrel talking about the song from Once? I loved that movie! And all the songs! Are they going to perform? Yay! And who don't I have a massive crush on? Because Glen Hansard? I love him. You know what? I'm going to put the wine down for a little bit.

10:25 - Best Picture Montage. I have seen exactly 26 of the Best Pictures. Out of 79. I feel like I should have seen more. But there are some movies I am just never going to see. Like Lord of the Rings. Oh, get over it.

10:32 - I hate Nicole Kidman. I have to say that before I admit that she is wearing the most gorgeous necklace I have ever seen. Now, I will repeat: I hate Nicole Kidman.

The Honorary Oscar Presentation. Dude - Robert Goyle looks INCREDIBLE for 98. 98! He came out wearing a towel like Rocky, and then spouted nonsense for five minutes. Do your thing old man! 98! This might wind up as my favorite moment of the whole night.

10:45 - ANOTHER song from Enchanted? Really? Hey look! John Travolta! Oh my God! Why is he dancing to this crap? Ah, because he's going to announce the winner. If the song from Once doesn't win...Yay! It wins! And Glen Hansard told everyone to make art and I totally love him and I almost cried a little. Shit, how did this wine glass get back in my hand?

10:58 - Cameron Diaz has my favorite dress of the night.

11:00 - I got hungry here and prowled around the kitchen for a while and missed the people-who-died montage. Ok, I did it on purpose. That shit makes me cry.

11:26 - Best Original Screenplay. Diablo Cody's badass Betty Rubble dress rocked...and her near breakdown was adorable. Look at all these people with emotions tonight! Emotions and pale skin! It's all very deconstructed this evening.

Yes, I need to see Juno, too. I told you! I wait till shit comes out on HBO! It costs at least $10 to see a movie in Boston, and I can never decide which one to see, and I get thirsty or have to pee at least once, and I can never find my seat again, never mind the correct screening room - one time I left to find the bathroom and somehow used an exit that deposited me directly INTO THE PARKING LOT. It took me forever to figure out how to get back into the building. Movie theatres are stressful. Plus, I am a girl who is taking notes during the damn Oscars. I am easily distracted. I like possessing the ability to rewind.

11:30 - Best Actor. I'm actually loving the retrospectives. But I can't even see a clip from Philadelphia without tearing up, so I'm already misting a little when Helen Mirren takes the stage. Weird dress, but she's the shit. Obviously, I am rooting for George Clooney, but everyone says Daniel Day Lewis is going to win. DDL's my Dad's number one man-crush, though, so I'm not mad at him. And he wins! Look at his crazy old school suit! He bows for Helen Mirren! I am so, so charmed by his crazy ass. I know he's supposed to be this super intense method acting nutcase, but his speech was sweet and humble...so charmed. He's a real artist. Make art!

11:41 - Best Picture. Hey! Denzel! My Momma (who is the truth, as mommas go) has loved three men in her life, that I'm aware of: my Daddy, Peter Jennings, and Denzel Washington. As such, I have similar feelings of warmth. Man, I really need to see No Country for Old Men.

Hey, its over? Cool. I'd like to thank my parents and their non-Tommy Lee Jones-resembling, Denzel-loving, pale-small-chested-child producing asses; my brother, the other pale flat chested relative I love; and my dog, whose studded collar was the best accessory of the night.

Don't Be Loony, Vote for...

I don't want to talk about the election. Because if I start talking about the election, I'll eventually get down to sort-of endorsing someone, and I don't want to do that. As a feminist, I should be really, totally stoked that I have the option of voting for a female president - which I am, in many ways. But the reality is that I'm now a disgruntled feminist (yes, there are other kinds) because here we are, with a lady on the ticket...and I don't like her.

So? I'm going to endorse my own candidate.

George Clooney.

I am 100% serious. George Clooney would be the best president ever. Americans have shown that they're totally ok with an actor in the Oval Office, and I think everyone can agree that George Clooney is a way better actor than Reagan. Plus, he's not a snitch.

George Clooney has done his time in the trenches of his profession. This shows us he is not afraid to work hard. He appeared in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. This shows us he doesn't take himself too seriously. He also had a reoccurring role on The Facts of Life. This shows us that he is human, and had bad hair in the 80's, just like everyone else.

Foreign dignitaries like George Clooney. George Clooney owns property in Italy, and can interact with people from other cultures without behaving as if he has entered an interactive zoo exhibit. George Clooney is making a movie to raise awareness in Darfur. Has our president been to Darfur? Can he find it on a map? Does he own a map?

George Clooney is a man of the people. He was once a carpenter (like Jesus! If that's your thing). He eats dinner with lowly reporters and locates the faulty carbon monoxide detectors in their apartments by scrambling around in their crawlspaces (I know this because I saw it last night on E News. Yes, sometimes I watch E News after I watch the regular news. Sometimes I need to. It's like a current events chaser.). George Clooney is pro-union. When the writers were striking, he explicitly stated that he would not cross their picket line, even at the Oscar's. And he is nominated for an Oscar.

George Clooney is intelligent, charismatic, grounded, charmingly self-deprecating, and has enough cash to finance his own campaign. George Clooney is also exceptionally attractive. This means that people will vote for him even if they have no idea why. This means that people who would otherwise not vote for anyone will leave their homes on election night and vote for George Clooney. This also, conversely, means that people who become pissed off when they witness the uninformed masses flocking to the polls to vote for George Clooney, will become inspired, and will themselves go out and vote, just to make their individual voices heard above the Clooney Chorus. In this way, George Clooney will have increased participation in the democratic process. Can George Clooney do no wrong?

That was a really great argument.

George, if you're interested, I will happily sign on as your assistant campaign manager in charge of visual aids. I've never made buttons or drafted nifty slogans before, but I could bedazzle the crap out of any campaign paraphernalia you send my way.

Come on Ride the Train, and Ride It

Ah, the T. The occasionally convienient, frequently frustrating hot mess of mass transportation, where your experience is guaranteed to be different every time. There is no damn sense to the T. I know it isn'tlikely, but I believe the people who designed Boston's subway system drew their inspiration from the terrorists of urban planning that mapped out downtown streets. Why are all the stops on the Green Line so close together? Not just on the B Line down by BU (that portion of track makes me believe in pure, free floating evil. It's a tunnel of bad karma) but even through downtown.

Half the time it's faster to walk. It's not a very big city, MBTA. We don't need a whole lot of stops just to impress the tourists. They'll figure out how to get lost on their own. At any given hour, there are entire Midwestern families who are going on Day 3 lost in the Public Garden. I've seen it. They can't seem to get out. And then there are the people who get lost on the Freedom Trail. A red line indicating the trail IS LITERALLY PAINTED ON THE SIDEWALK, and yet. But enough hating on tourists, I'm not really addressing their oblivion today.

No, the T-Ettiquette offenders I'm targeting today make up our local population. People who live here, people who write into the letters sections of magazines and newspapers to complain about students who won't remove their gigantic backpacks, high school kids who won't stand up so the pregnant and elderly can sit down, or tourists who open their fold-out maps of the North End -emblazoned with big cartoon cannoli's and a caricature of Paul Revere's head impaled on the steeple of North Church - directly into their faces.

Yes, those people are annoying. But everyone knows that. And I don't think they're the norm - they're just the spokesperson for the group of assholes they represent, and those people need vacations and education as much as the rest of us. You know how sometimes you're visiting a strange city, blending in, trying your hardest not to annoy the people who actually live there, and then you spy another one of your kind - the visting - and they are so freaking conspicuous, you actually feel shame. With their fanny packs and their books of maps and their infuriating habit of stopping directly in the middle of the sidewalk whenever they have a thought...I don't think most tourists are like that, because I'm not. Just like most college students aren't complete d-bags. We only notice the shittiest members of their demographic and judge the whole group. We all do it, sorry.

One thing we don't all do, it seems, is adequately shame local contingencies of asshole T riders into reforming their behaviors. Seriously, Bostonians, what the hell is wrong with you? I have to spell it out? Oh, a list would be more user-friendly and effective? Fine, then, I'll list your problems. And tell you how to fix them. You're welcome. Assholes.

1. Why is your music so fucking loud?
Jesus Christ! When your ipod/discman/zune/other new technology I'm unfamiliar with is louder than your ringtone, we have a problem. Yes, 'we'. We share the problem. Your problem is that you are an inconsiderate turd, and my problem is that you are hosting Inconsiderate Turd-a-Palooza '08 in close proximity to me. Your musical suck-fest is holding me hostage. I can hear every word, man, and I don't happen to dig Linkin Park. Don't you have anything else on there that doesn't crap ass so tremendously?

And hey, InconsiderateOne, how are your ears feeling? How's your hearing during normal day-to-day conversations? Not so good? Are you always unintentionally yelling at people and freaking them out by coming across as the most intense person alive? Are your personal relationships suffering? I think I can help you! Turn...down...the...volume. Also, get some better tunes. Yours are the worst.

2. What level Sex Offender Are You, Anyway?
Listen, creepo - if we're bothing standing on a packed train, holding onto the metal pole for support, don't slide your hand down the pole so it touches mine. Like, don't EVER do that. Especially don't leave your hand all in contact with mine, and then look down at me and smile. Because it makes me think that you're going to drug me, steal all my organs, and then place them in a shrine decorated with my skin and lit by candles made from my body fat.

Nooooo, it doesn't matter how cute you are. The last time this happened to me, the space-violator was completely normal looking, well dressed, attractive. I still got off at the next stop and walked 30 blocks to get where I was going. 2:00 on a damn Tuesday afternoon, I don't need that shit.

3. Are you going to share that paper/sandwich?
Of course people read on the T. And sometimes, they grub. I engage in plenty of the former, and none of the latter, but that's mostly because I am incapable of eating anything without a fair portion ending up covering my lap, my face, or my hair, even when I am eating somewhere completely stationary. That's a personal issue though, and I don't see anything wrong with the gifted among us taking part in a little grindage on the go.
That said, there are plenty of people who are reading or noshing who should not be allowed to do so on the train. If your newspaper must be opened all the way for you to enjoy reading it, then you need to get your own damn seat, or wait until you get where you're going. If you need to extend into my seat, then you need to a) say excuse me, then b) fold your paper back on your side. Same goes for food. If you're able to eat your sub without jabbing me with your elbows, and without spilling tomatoes and mayo all over the car, then snack away, man. However, if your intention is to have a fucking picnic all up in my area, then you are an asshole, and you need to put your shit away. Also, if your food is incredibly pungent, you need to wait till you're in an open-air environment. It may be delicious, but between the homeless guy, the guy who is apparently opposed to showering at the gym, and your panang beef - it's too much.

4. We won't leave without you, I promise
Oh, that heading doesn't refer to you unlucky bastards running towards the T as it closes the doors and makes moves to depart the station. It's not waiting. Bye! You just look silly running! Stop running, already. Goofball. I'm actually talking about the people who CANNOT wait for everyone to get off the train before shoving their way on. What the hell is wrong with you? Is there a seat you like better than all the others? Are you in training for something for which this is an integral activity? Is it so hard to wait until everyone else is off - and JESUS YOU'RE GOING TO STEP ON THAT BABY.

They aren't the only ones guilty of creating congestion havoc. There's also the Door Hoarder. You know - that person who stands in front of the door the entire ride, and when it stops at oh, say, Kenmore on a summer night at 6.30 when about 780 people are trying to exit they REFUSE TO GET OFF TO ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE TO PASS BY. I have seen those people get like, trampled - and they don't care. They just cling to the pole by the door. You crazy freak, you can get out for a second. Say it with me now...we won't leave without you. I promise.

There's more - oh so many more - but I have to go get on the T now. Orange Line!!! You know, the other day, I saw a PSA ad on the Orange Line warning teen hos about the dangerous pimps out there? It broke down all the pimps moves, what they'd say, what they'd buy you...it was the most informative ad I've ever seen. And also, my hands-down favorite, ever. And I've only seen it once. Once! I'm on the T all the damn time! That must be the worst-funded public awareness campaign in history. Pimps got teen hos in this city locked down. They're a well funded group, too - when was the last time you saw a pimp and his teen hos riding the train? Your shitty manners have likely turned them off the whole experience.