Don't Be Loony, Vote for...

I don't want to talk about the election. Because if I start talking about the election, I'll eventually get down to sort-of endorsing someone, and I don't want to do that. As a feminist, I should be really, totally stoked that I have the option of voting for a female president - which I am, in many ways. But the reality is that I'm now a disgruntled feminist (yes, there are other kinds) because here we are, with a lady on the ticket...and I don't like her.

So? I'm going to endorse my own candidate.

George Clooney.

I am 100% serious. George Clooney would be the best president ever. Americans have shown that they're totally ok with an actor in the Oval Office, and I think everyone can agree that George Clooney is a way better actor than Reagan. Plus, he's not a snitch.

George Clooney has done his time in the trenches of his profession. This shows us he is not afraid to work hard. He appeared in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. This shows us he doesn't take himself too seriously. He also had a reoccurring role on The Facts of Life. This shows us that he is human, and had bad hair in the 80's, just like everyone else.

Foreign dignitaries like George Clooney. George Clooney owns property in Italy, and can interact with people from other cultures without behaving as if he has entered an interactive zoo exhibit. George Clooney is making a movie to raise awareness in Darfur. Has our president been to Darfur? Can he find it on a map? Does he own a map?

George Clooney is a man of the people. He was once a carpenter (like Jesus! If that's your thing). He eats dinner with lowly reporters and locates the faulty carbon monoxide detectors in their apartments by scrambling around in their crawlspaces (I know this because I saw it last night on E News. Yes, sometimes I watch E News after I watch the regular news. Sometimes I need to. It's like a current events chaser.). George Clooney is pro-union. When the writers were striking, he explicitly stated that he would not cross their picket line, even at the Oscar's. And he is nominated for an Oscar.

George Clooney is intelligent, charismatic, grounded, charmingly self-deprecating, and has enough cash to finance his own campaign. George Clooney is also exceptionally attractive. This means that people will vote for him even if they have no idea why. This means that people who would otherwise not vote for anyone will leave their homes on election night and vote for George Clooney. This also, conversely, means that people who become pissed off when they witness the uninformed masses flocking to the polls to vote for George Clooney, will become inspired, and will themselves go out and vote, just to make their individual voices heard above the Clooney Chorus. In this way, George Clooney will have increased participation in the democratic process. Can George Clooney do no wrong?

That was a really great argument.

George, if you're interested, I will happily sign on as your assistant campaign manager in charge of visual aids. I've never made buttons or drafted nifty slogans before, but I could bedazzle the crap out of any campaign paraphernalia you send my way.