Things I Am Not So Good At:

Pouring wine, from a box on a shelf above my head, in the dark.

Why would a person keep a box of wine on a shelf above their head?

?

?

This picture was the fruit from the Google Image tree of: Red Wine Fail. What?

Sorry, I always looks for the picture after I write...whatever this is. And it's always a random combination of words - you know, what everyone got tired of doing when they were in fifth grade/2005? It still delights me, every time.

Notes on the Recent Past

Recommendations of Late:

R Kelly's new album, 'Love Letter'. If you are a Kells fan, this is him at his finest. If you are not an R. Kelly fan, something is the matter with you. Listen to this album, and remedy said matter.

Adele's new album, '21'. She's just fucking crazy.

Learning to make your own tomato-basil-mozzarella salad. I think grown ups call it caprese.

Occasionally substituting rosemary for basil because for some reason Whole Foods only sells basil in enormous quantities.

The movie 'Youth in Revolt'. I LOVED that movie. It's the best thing I've seen in recent memory.

Using a bag of frozen peas as a hangover headache remedy when you feel too barfy to take Advil.

Things to Avoid:

Drinking 12-plus mimosas in a sitting.

The movie 'Dogtooth'. Unless you want to be seriously disturbed by some Greeks for two hours. When it was over, I looked at Baylor* and literally said 'What the fuck just happened?' I get that it's incredibly daring and shocking and definitely causes a person to think, which is kind of the purpose of art and all, but...okay, there's one part where I was laughing because the Son character runs across the lawn in a particularly hilarious way that reminded me my favorite scene in 'The 'Burbs' (A movie I DO, whole-heartedly, unabashedly recommend. It's goddamned hilarious.) and then I cut off my laughter mid-chuckle, because suddenly he's stabbing a cat in the stomach with a pair of garden shears. I think I mostly hate it because no one else I know has seen it, and I just want to TALK to somebody about this mess.

Smoking a lot of cigarettes when you haven't in a while.

Licking a lot of envelopes in a hurry.

Wearing pants. Pants are the worst.

ps: I got this picture when I GoogleImage searched 'R Kelly Tomato'. I don't know WHAT this has to do with tomatoes, but it's R Kelly singing, wearing a t-shirt with a picture of R Kelly singing. Which is just amazing.

*Baylor's a dog, but he has pretty solid opinions on movies and shit.

Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress

The other day, a friend and I were talking about Twitter. More specifically, about whether or not I should join Twitter, and, were I to join, what my Twitter-name should be. There's probably a more techno-elegant name for that. Anyway, he suggested that I "just pick a celebrity, and throw a 'not' in there. Like - NOTCharlieSheen.' A few minutes later, we had my new favorite band name: Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress (it's too long for that Twitter-name business.). And over the next few hours, I had a lot of thoughts about Charlie Sheen.

It appears that he's been in the news more than usual lately, for the sort of Charlie Sheen-esque escapades you'd expect. Rehab! Sex Tapes! Divorces! Why is anyone surprised? Why are these women in his life AT ALL SURPRISED BY HIS INSANITY, EVER?

The whole reason 'Reluctant Mistress' is awesome, to me, is because it indicates that one should be somewhat-to-extremely embarrassed to reveal their romantic affiliation with the dude. Because homeboy is a train wreck.

Ladies - it's fucking CHARLIE SHEEN. Charlie Sheen. If you turned to me randomly, at any time of day, and said "Quick: name the celebrity you think is most likely to be snorting a line of cocaine off a woman's body at this very moment?" My answer will ALWAYS be: "I don't know, Charlie Sheen?" Three years ago, if it were after midnight, I might be like "Possibly Steve-O. Or Russell Brand. But if they are, Charlie Sheen is probably with them. Charlie Sheen probably started it." But now it's 2011, and Steve-O is all straight edge (probably for the best) and Russell Brand is all wifey-ed up with Katy Perry (eh...is anything really for the best when a Katy-with-a-'y' hooks up with a guy who exclusively wears skinny leather pants and a lot of eyeliner? We'll call this a draw.) But Charlie Sheen is still bankrolling porn stars to hang out with him at days-long parties, where he greets guests at the door in a wine-stained shirt and, apparently, gold teeth.

So, ladies who make the - likely substance addled, but presumably consensual - decision to make things official with Mr. Sheen...what the hell were you expecting?

Given everything, it's surprising to me that Two and a Half Men is still on the air. Not because it's stupid - it's really no stupider than 90% of the other shit that's on network television right now. My own personal problems with the show stem mostly from the fact that I hate to think that Duckie grew up to be some awkward, marginally employed loser with a borderline retarded, loafy child relegated to living in his brother's house with a wardrobe consisting entirely of ill-fitting shorts and belts that look like they're apologizing for being so...braided. And, I hate that creepy kid and the housekeeper character is terrifying. Charlie Sheen is the character on the show I'd actually most like to hang out with.

I have to stop writing now. I can't believe I just said that. Putting the wine DOWN.