Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress

The other day, a friend and I were talking about Twitter. More specifically, about whether or not I should join Twitter, and, were I to join, what my Twitter-name should be. There's probably a more techno-elegant name for that. Anyway, he suggested that I "just pick a celebrity, and throw a 'not' in there. Like - NOTCharlieSheen.' A few minutes later, we had my new favorite band name: Charlie Sheen's Reluctant Mistress (it's too long for that Twitter-name business.). And over the next few hours, I had a lot of thoughts about Charlie Sheen.

It appears that he's been in the news more than usual lately, for the sort of Charlie Sheen-esque escapades you'd expect. Rehab! Sex Tapes! Divorces! Why is anyone surprised? Why are these women in his life AT ALL SURPRISED BY HIS INSANITY, EVER?

The whole reason 'Reluctant Mistress' is awesome, to me, is because it indicates that one should be somewhat-to-extremely embarrassed to reveal their romantic affiliation with the dude. Because homeboy is a train wreck.

Ladies - it's fucking CHARLIE SHEEN. Charlie Sheen. If you turned to me randomly, at any time of day, and said "Quick: name the celebrity you think is most likely to be snorting a line of cocaine off a woman's body at this very moment?" My answer will ALWAYS be: "I don't know, Charlie Sheen?" Three years ago, if it were after midnight, I might be like "Possibly Steve-O. Or Russell Brand. But if they are, Charlie Sheen is probably with them. Charlie Sheen probably started it." But now it's 2011, and Steve-O is all straight edge (probably for the best) and Russell Brand is all wifey-ed up with Katy Perry (eh...is anything really for the best when a Katy-with-a-'y' hooks up with a guy who exclusively wears skinny leather pants and a lot of eyeliner? We'll call this a draw.) But Charlie Sheen is still bankrolling porn stars to hang out with him at days-long parties, where he greets guests at the door in a wine-stained shirt and, apparently, gold teeth.

So, ladies who make the - likely substance addled, but presumably consensual - decision to make things official with Mr. Sheen...what the hell were you expecting?

Given everything, it's surprising to me that Two and a Half Men is still on the air. Not because it's stupid - it's really no stupider than 90% of the other shit that's on network television right now. My own personal problems with the show stem mostly from the fact that I hate to think that Duckie grew up to be some awkward, marginally employed loser with a borderline retarded, loafy child relegated to living in his brother's house with a wardrobe consisting entirely of ill-fitting shorts and belts that look like they're apologizing for being so...braided. And, I hate that creepy kid and the housekeeper character is terrifying. Charlie Sheen is the character on the show I'd actually most like to hang out with.

I have to stop writing now. I can't believe I just said that. Putting the wine DOWN.