I made a Tublr! I don't know what Tumblr is, really.

It's here: http://kk413.tumblr.com/

If you figure out what the title's a reference to, you get five dollars. In dollars!

You're Beautiful, And You're A Joy To Be Around.

I just got off the phone with my Dad. His little sister was dying and he flew up to Boston to say goodbye. She waited for him before she went.

He gave her last meal: half of an orange Chuckle, the inside of a Bulls-Eye, and part of a Clementine. The nurse asked him 'What are you doing?' And he said 'feeding my sister things she likes.'

Clare: you were your own delightful thing from beginning to end. To the lady who gave me my first Star magazine, and my first tube of mascara: I love you forever. I've still never found a mascara I liked better.

The Point Here Is That Eventually I Start Talking About Baby Kimonos

Yo, so sometimes on Fridays, when I get to the end of the internet, I Google myself. I think my Mom told me to do this back when the internet was newer - to make sure all my shit was in check over in cyberspace. Not like there's anything I could do, really, if my shit was not in check (were we both operating under the assumption that Google search was like a credit report?) but I still do it sometimes because I'm a crazy narcissist and part of me is always expecting people to be talking about me.

No one is. There's a bunch of articles from when I worked at Boston Landmarks, some other boring stuff, and then it's into other people with my name: some Midwestern high school girl's MySpace page (apparently that's where MySpace is still a thing?), a crazy chick signing on YouTube, and then we're into Magdalena Neuner, who is awesome, but no relation (that I know of. I don't anything about the German bits.).

But today I came across something new: a baby registry! Because I'm way more nosy about shit when I'm not invested in a person's life** (that's when being judgmental is at its purest form of joy), I started clicking my way through a complete stranger's baby registry. At first I thought it was a wedding registry, and it was just mad full of baby shit and I was like "Wow, these two are not coming at it coyly, huh?" Then I felt like a jerk. But not really,because I don't know them, so who cares! See, it's fun like this. Anyway, the point here: baby stuff is crazy expensive!

It's so expensive that for a minute I was like, 'you should totally buy something for them off this registry, how awesome would it be if a complete stranger with the same name as you bought you something for your baby!' But I can see how that might be the creepiest goddamn thing in the entire world, so I decided against it. Also, I'm poor. But now it's time to go home!

I am AWESOME at wasting time on the internet.

** Seriously, if you're friends with me, and you send me a baby registry, I am never going to read it. I'm just going to get you something cool that you didn't ask for. Or maybe you did ask and I just know you so well I didn't even have to read the registry! But probably not. Probably I bought your baby an awesome infant kimono, which I don't even know if that exists, but now I really want to get it for someone. Baby kimonos! Holy shit.

***I'm sorry, how CRAZY CUTE is this baby in a kimono! It's like, ten hours later - which is an awkward amount of time later - but this baby is still my jam.

One of the Many, Many Who Sip Henny

More Disturbing:

That the newly released 'Best of Ja Rule' album exists, or that I know almost every word to every song included in said Ja compilation?

**Okay, there are so many hilarious pictures unearthed by the Google Image search 'Ja Rule be Trippin', but this one of Ja in a tiny mirrored space is one of my favorites. Why are you in a tiny mirrored space, Ja? Where on Earth could this possibly be? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ASHANTI? Seriously, Ja, where is she? Lady should be singing hooks somewhere. Wouldn't it be awesome if she went and found LL Cool J and they did a song for Ludacris to do a crazy remix of? And even the non-remixed version is sort of awesome because the video has Uncle L doing push ups under a waterfall while Ashanti lounges on his back, and they play it on Vh1 Soul all the time?

Yeah, I don't know what we're talking about anymore, either. Someone find Ja Rule so we can make sense of all this!

**I just spent a LOT of time Googling Ja Rule.

Best Of List, Yo!

So like, three people read this blog. I think my mom even stopped because I quit updating it for eight months, and she totally has better shit to be doing on the internets. Even so, people do end up here.

The Most Awesome Search Terms Used in Finding My Sporadically Updated, Cabernet-Soaked Blog:

I hope you all found what you were looking for, eventually. These are in a semi-particular order.

'Sex Mimosas and Donkey Com'

I don't know what Donkey expectorate they misspelled, and I don't want to. Okay, I know. We all know. I think this combination is known in some circles as a Tijuana Brunch. Even if they were talking about video games. Tijuana's crazy.

'Labeled Diagram of Mimosa Fruit'

So...maybe just Google 'Orange'? Sometimes a classy joint will impale a strawberry on the side of the glass. I don't know, it usually involves Cook's or Andre. You need a diagram?

'Bonectomy on Toe'

Wha? Does that mean taking the bone out of your toe? So you'd just have like, a squashy skin-grape at the end of your foot? Why would you search for something this grave and then click on a blog? I am so embarrassed that I've used the word 'bonectomy' on the internet.

'2011 NCAA Tournament Results'

How deeply did you Google these results that you ended up at this post on my (Never) Award Winning NCAA pool strategy? (Fucking TRY IT. It's fun. And you will have so many weird conversations with dudes in bars on this. People have OPINIONS about which imaginary creatures would win in a fight.)

(Sidebar: Why does Everclear have a Greatest Hits album? Can you name three Everclear songs? If you said yes, just - get out of here. Or go wait in the corner over there until we're through. Seriously, that's awful.)

'Lynn Dorms'

There are dorms in Lynn? Are there even enough high school graduates in Lynn to populate a dorm? Ohhh! Just kidding. One of my grandmothers was from Brockton. I can't say shit. I might have even just made up that stereotype about Lynn. But...I don't think I did.

'Tom Tancock'

Yes! I will happily glorify any reference to the 2008 Olympics. Controversies aside, those Olympics were the shit.

'Angry Rocket Play Therapy'

This is probably a better band name than Rocketship of Intelligence, but I feel like it's totally not the sound we were going for.

'They Call Me USHER RAYMOND'

You're damn right.

'Bingo's Dream Dorm'

When the shit did I write about dorms this much? (Oh wait. The Meadow Soprano time.) More importantly - what is Bongo's Dream Dorm like?!?! I hope you found it, searching friend. Sounds like it could be a weird time.

'Follow the Drinking Gourd Fake'

BLASPHEMY. Go sit in the corner with the guy who knows all the Everclear songs!

'Tom Bergeron Eats Chips'

Who searched for this and DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

(Yeah, I still have a Tom Bergeron thing.)

'Yinka Shonibare Child Obsessive Alien'

I don't know what the shit this is about, but holy band name. My lord. (Originally, this one was ALL IN CAPS but I felt like I needed to calm down. I have to go to bed soon. Seriously, though, this is awesome. But I'm never searching for it on my own. I don't want to know.)

* I don't know what the hell this picture is about. I searched for 'best search terms ever'. Google Image is my favorite.

They Call Me U-S-H-E-R-R-A-Y-M-O-N-D

Imaginary Phone Conversation Between Myself and Mr. Usher Raymond, circa February 2009

kk: Hi, Usher?
ur: Hey! kk! Iwas just thinking about you!
kk: Aw! Ush! Stop. Seriously, though, I called for a really specific reason.
ur: You want to act out that R.Kelly featuring Nivea 'Laundrymat' video from 2003 again?
kk: No. But I love where you're heading with this.
ur: I'll put it on ice. What's up?
kk: We need to talk about your video for 'Trading Places'.
ur: It's dope, right?
kk: I'm obsessed with it.
ur: What did you think about the Hologram Ice Piano?
kk: Dude. I LOVED the Hologram Ice Piano. More than that though, can we talk about your lyrics?
ur: I guess. But I'm a little...it's just...some people on the internet hated them.
kk: Usher. No. Only nerds use the internet. These lyrics? Are GENIUS.
ur: Really? You think so?
kk: Yes.
ur: You're not fucking with me?
kk: Never. Clearly, your recent collaborations with R. Kelly have been paying off.
ur: 'raises eyebrows' (Sometimes my imaginary conversations are video chats)
kk: I'm serious. Like...okay, the part where you make your lady breakfast in bed and then you list all the items on the plate? Amazing. And you provide her with "strawberry and grape jelly"? Both jellies!

ur: I like both. When I'm at a diner, I like that they have all the little kinds so you can mix it up. Sometimes I even go crazy and get some orange marmalade in there.

kk: Me, too! What I'm saying, though - only people like you and the Kells really get that shit.

ur: Well, thanks, then.

kk: Also, the part where you're listing all your household chores? I mean, you don't go too into much detail, but it seems like a relatively non-gendered division of labor. Also, I like that in your household, taking out the garbage is a pants-free endeavor. These are interesting things to me.

ur: Do most people wear pants?

kk: To take out the garbage? I think so. But I've lived in the northeast my whole life.

ur: Next summer, try it. It's liberating.

kk: Noted.

ur: Anything else?

kk: No, I -- oh! Yes! The end. When you encourage us all to stay tuned for part two, where you reverse the scenario...back. To your normal roles?

ur: Yes.

kk: Wouldn't that just be...like all your other songs? So we're staying tuned for --

ur: Yeah, I noticed that after I released the song. That's why there's no 'Trading Places: Part 2 - Regular Sex and Our Usual Chores'. But now that you mention it --

kk: See? This is exactly something that R Kelly would do! I love you so much. Did I tell you that this year I made my own 'Usher's Greatest Hits' cd and listened to it like, four times in a row when driving up I-95 on Memorial Day weekend?
ur: You did. You mentioned that during our last imaginary conversation. But that makes it no less awesome. I love you, too. Okay, I have to go take the garbage out. Should I try it with pants?
kk: Never, Ush. Stay you.