The Point Here Is That Eventually I Start Talking About Baby Kimonos

Yo, so sometimes on Fridays, when I get to the end of the internet, I Google myself. I think my Mom told me to do this back when the internet was newer - to make sure all my shit was in check over in cyberspace. Not like there's anything I could do, really, if my shit was not in check (were we both operating under the assumption that Google search was like a credit report?) but I still do it sometimes because I'm a crazy narcissist and part of me is always expecting people to be talking about me.

No one is. There's a bunch of articles from when I worked at Boston Landmarks, some other boring stuff, and then it's into other people with my name: some Midwestern high school girl's MySpace page (apparently that's where MySpace is still a thing?), a crazy chick signing on YouTube, and then we're into Magdalena Neuner, who is awesome, but no relation (that I know of. I don't anything about the German bits.).

But today I came across something new: a baby registry! Because I'm way more nosy about shit when I'm not invested in a person's life** (that's when being judgmental is at its purest form of joy), I started clicking my way through a complete stranger's baby registry. At first I thought it was a wedding registry, and it was just mad full of baby shit and I was like "Wow, these two are not coming at it coyly, huh?" Then I felt like a jerk. But not really,because I don't know them, so who cares! See, it's fun like this. Anyway, the point here: baby stuff is crazy expensive!

It's so expensive that for a minute I was like, 'you should totally buy something for them off this registry, how awesome would it be if a complete stranger with the same name as you bought you something for your baby!' But I can see how that might be the creepiest goddamn thing in the entire world, so I decided against it. Also, I'm poor. But now it's time to go home!

I am AWESOME at wasting time on the internet.

** Seriously, if you're friends with me, and you send me a baby registry, I am never going to read it. I'm just going to get you something cool that you didn't ask for. Or maybe you did ask and I just know you so well I didn't even have to read the registry! But probably not. Probably I bought your baby an awesome infant kimono, which I don't even know if that exists, but now I really want to get it for someone. Baby kimonos! Holy shit.

***I'm sorry, how CRAZY CUTE is this baby in a kimono! It's like, ten hours later - which is an awkward amount of time later - but this baby is still my jam.

Puck This

So I have a little bone to pick with celebrity endorsed products. Not with their existence, generally - we're a consumer culture, blahblahblah, and if you buy one brand of energy drink above all others solely because your favorite BMX rider is paid to say they like it, then you're a moron, and you shouldn't really share your opinion (and please, can we stop with the energy drinks already? What the fuck do you do all day that you need so much freaking instant energy?).

Sorry, tangents. Anyway - I don't fault anyone for endorsing products. Hell, I don't even fault them for hawking products they don't even like. Who cares? What bothers me is when someone devotes some portion of their face-time to a really, really completely unbelievable product endorsement. Not unbelievable as in outrageous (more of those, please, actually) but as in 'No, man. I don't buy it. An Oscar worthy performance would not convince me that you use this product. Stop.' It's just maddening. Initially, for how stupid advertising execs think the public is, and secondly, because it is through this type of effective advertising that I am forced to admit how stupid the general public actually is. How do you believe this shit?

For example: If you're famous for something really specific... say, how Wolfgang Puck is really famous for his abilities in the kitchen - and you're widely recognized for the quality of your product above all else (like, say...Wolfgang Puck. For his good cooking.) then I just think that the product you're shoving at us should demonstrate some moderate compatibility with your purpose as a celebrity.

There was a certain strange era during which my mother would enter a strange, house-bound psychotic fuge, hole up in the tv room and watch QVC and HSN for extended periods of time. As far as parental insanity goes, it was a pretty innocuous sort, but it still resulted in the purchasing of several interesting items. Once, it was a giant faux-Oriental rug. One time it was a pretty awesome down blanket, and on one very relevant occasion, she purchased a set of pots and pans, endorsed by none other than celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck. Like, his signature is on the damn handle and everything.

My problem with these pots is not they they suck, or that they have major design flaws (they do, but we'll get to that) my problem is that it is COMPLETELY FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT WOLFGANG PUCK HAS NEVER NOR WOULD EVER USE THESE POTS AND PANS. I was not fooled for a second. These are the worst fucking pans I have ever used in my life. Invented for the casual cook in the era before Teflon, these pans are 100% heat transferable metal - including the goddamn handles. THE HANDLES ARE ROUTINELY THE SAME TEMPERATURE AS THE REST OF THE POT. No matter where the handle is pointed during cooking, it is always scalding, injuriously hot. I have burned the shit out of my hands so, so many times.

I know, I know, you're saying "stop crying, asshole, and use a potholder." Well, you know what? Fuck you. I am not a chef, granted; on the rare occasion I do break out the pots its usually for the purpose of heating soup, heating water (for ramen noodle soup, or for regular damn water, since I seemed to have misplaced my teakettle in one of my last three moves) ...and that's pretty much it. So I know it seems like I'm not exactly in the place to comment on utilitarian elements of cookware, but think about it this way: wouldn't you expect the expert cooking of Wolfgang and his employs to be going down in a loud, crowded, high pressure kitchen environment? Do they always have a sizeable, heat absorbing potholder readily available? Don't you think sometimes they have to just grab a damn pan and get on with it? Probably, right? Don't you think it would be somewhat useful for the kitchen staff at Mr. Puck's esteemed restaurants to have access to pots and pans with some insulated fucking handles? Probably, right? I mean, I'm just saying.

And yes, parents, I do own a potholder. Two of them actually. I bought them last month at Target.

And, assorted palms scalds asides, I do appreciate the pots.