Combodious

Once upon a time, I routinely engaged my friends in lengthy conversations about a certain snack food. They weren't so much conversations as they were hymnal duets in praise of the mighty Combo. We spoke of Combos when we had several varieties spread before us, and we spoke of Combos when there were none in sight. Simply, we composed odes to Combos because we loved them.

It was during one of these inspiring discussions that one of my dear Combo-loving friends queried: "Is there any type of Combo that you don't like?" Several of us, sitting around the kitchen table, started at one another and thought hard...but ultimately came up empty. Certainly, there were varieties of Combos that we preferred - I for example, hold the Pretzel- Cheddar flavor supreme above all others, and much prefer the Pretzel varieties over the Cracker (after much prodding I once revealed that I would never buy, with my own money, any Cracker variety if a Pretzel option was available) but I still like the Cracker varieties. Sometimes they are exactly what I need. But no - none of us could conceive of a situation where we would be disappointed by a Combo.

And so it went, everything in the Comboverse in happy harmony, with all of us loving the delicious combinations of crunchy carbohydrates and artificially flavored cheese sprays. And then one day, last fall, I came across a new flavor. Salsa Combos? With a tortilla crust? What was this blasphemy? I was thrown - but intrigued. I purchased them. And they were everything great that I knew a Combo to be...and then some. It was a new generation of Combo. Edgier, modern, showing multi-ethnic influence. It was the Combo of a new world.

After that new prototype was received - to wide acclaim, based on the taste test I conducted amongst 5 of my friends - all was quiet in the Combosphere for nearly a year and a half. Combos remained perfect, with an unblemished record of product enjoyment. I was sure the Combo could do no wrong by my taste buds. Certain of it. Until now.

Oh, Black Thursday, when I walked into the 7-11 on State Street and stumbled across not one but TWO new flavors of Combos! Both Cracker, such a bad sign. And the flavors? Cheeseburger...and Bacon, Egg and Cheese. Of course I was skeptical, of course, but what could I do? In the name of research, in the name of love, I bought them both. And sampled them. To disastrous effect.

Shame on you, Combo! Shame on you for creating not one nauseating new variety but TWO flavors so gut punishingly revolting that I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I revisit the traumatic tasting of this afternoon. What the FUCK were you thinking, Combos?????? This is worse than when I found out about Santa Claus.

For shame, Combos. For shame.

Freaky Elephant (and Donkey) Love

Ok. So I originally wrote this whole long diatribe about the recent rash of sex scandals involving Republican political figures, and why I find them so especially heinous. The heinousness, in my opinion, is a result of the gross, drippy hypocritical situaion that results when someone who comes to power on a platform of mandatory minimums, abstinence-only sex ed, banning condom distribution, and decrying non-traditional, non-heterosexual lifestyles as wrong and immoral is caught chowing meth, getting down with prostitutes, texting teenage boys about their engorged genitals (ew) and tap dancing for anonymous sex in public bathrooms (ew squared).

I wrote about all that and it just came off as preachy and annoying, and I realized I was being hypocritical because 1) if I'm judging GOP-holes about violating the bonds of their party promises, I should probably be subjecting my own party to the same treatment. After all, I can't think of any Democrat who won an election by expressing their preferences for cheating on their partners and frequenting brothels. So that led to the realization that 2) Politicians are full of shit. And from there 3) When shit filled assholes get caught with their pants down (literally) it's ok to laugh at them. Because they deserve it.

Got it?

1) Judge everyone equally + 2) Politicians are full of it = 3) Time to make fun of them!

So here they are, in no particular order -

The Most Entertaining Political Scandals That I Have Time to Write About

1) Kwame Kilpatrick, Mayor of Detroit, And the Most Inappropriate Municipal Messages Ever

Explicit text messages crack me up. What a weird format. The inclusion of 'LOL' makes for unconvincing dirty talk. It's just so stupid. And the texts are like, riddled with spelling errors. Not sexy. Add the fact that they exchanged these messages on city issued Blackberries...you deserve to be laughed at, Mayor Kilpatrick! My favorite text isn't even one of the creepy "I'm waiting for you in the Ramada on Route 43" messages. It's the one where the mayor is at a Lakers game, and security won't let him in. The Mayor is like, 6'3", 250. Badass. Then he asks his chief of staff if he made her "feel good, sexually?" Oh, this shit had me laughing forever. Until they referenced Jerry Maguire. Then I threw up in my hands a little bit. This is still an awesome scandal, though.

2) Marion Barry, In the Motel Room, With the Crack Pipe. Oh, and that FBI Informant Who Looks Like a Hooker.

This one has everything. Scantily Clad Ladies/FBI Informants! Crack! Police busting in...to a cheap hotel room! Have you ever seen the video of this? He's in like, silk boxers and a wifebeater, smoking crack. Then when the police rush in he starts shrieking about being set up. Dude, shhhh. You're the mayor of the Capitol City of the United States. You're smoking crack in your underwear. It's damage control time.

The best part of this story, though isn't what happened in the hotel room. It's what happened later. First, he went to jail for six months. Then he got re-elected. And he keeps failing drug tests. This guy doesn't give a fuck.

3) Bill Clinton; Or Why You Should Never Cheat on Your Wife with Someone Who Doesn't Thoroughly Launder Her Clothes.

Right, everyone knows about this one. Clinton philandered. With ugly chicks. Including one particularly dirty little thing who got her dress messy in the action...and then didn't wash it. I adore Bill Clinton, and I wish this hadn't happened. Like, I wish he hadn't tarnished my image of him by hooking up with someone who apparently had extreme difficulty finding a decent dry cleaner in Washington DC. Gross.

4) Larry Craig, a Professional Freakazoid of the Seated Tap Dance

Another one that's had too much press. But are you really tired of hearing about it? It's hilarious. And pretend it didn't change the way you behave in public restrooms. Also, it opened my eyes to this whole sub culture of public sex solicitation that I knew nothing about. I wish this escapade had gone further. What's the next step here? Where do they go? Nothing happens in the bathroom, right? Is passing of notes involved?

5) David Vitter, Whose Fall Validates That Excellent Investigative Journalism Going on Over at Hustler

I lived in Louisiana for a while, and was always for the opinion that David Vitter was a particularly gross dude. He just has smarm-face. So I was not at all surprised to discover that he was an avid supporter of the world's oldest profession. I was, however, surprised and delighted to learn that Hustler was in large part responsible for breaking the story. It's spelled i-r-o-n-y, you conservative prick.

Oops. Am I getting preachy and hateful again? You're right, time to stop. I have to go delete all those weird emails from Ted Kennedy, anyway.