A Most Righteous Father Christmas

If you know anything about me, know this: I hate Christmas music. Despise it. I don't hate the holiday season (although I do hate winter weather, a topic best left for a later posting, lest my head explode) and I do like how everyone pretends to care about stuff (world peace, hungry children, diseases; you know, causes besides global warming) for the month of December. But from the first time I hear a snippet of 'Jingle Bells' blaring onto the sidewalk from a department store loudspeaker while trying to avoid the throngs of commerce-zombies the day after Thanksgiving, to the final hours I spend locked in my parents car on December 24, en route to another family Christmas party, flipping the radio stations in a fury nearing homicidal proportions, searching for something besides 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer' or the loathsome 'Little Drummer Boy', I seethe hate for Christmas music. Really, it pains me almost physically.

Because I can be a resourceful thing, I have developed methods to avoid a Silent Night induced psychotic break culminating in the random stabbing of innocent pedestrians with the heel of my shoe. One tactic involves total meditative oblivion (great for noise-blocking, shitty for crossing streets, not recommended if you have small children who require noise-monitoring) and my favorite is simply jamming along to the old faithful Sony Bean (although its headphones have become quite faulty, and occasionally deliver a robust electric shock to my inner ears.). If I could have one Christmas wish, it would be to ban all Christmas music from the Earth, forever. Or at least mandate that it only be played in a register I cannot hear.

There is, of course, one glorious exception. Nat King Cole's bananas Seasonal Collection: Nat King Cole, A Christmas Song. Nat could soothe me into the Christmas spirit any damn day of the year. He brings actual soul to songs that are typically served over-warm and dripping with cheese - and it makes all the difference. Seriously, listen to this at your next holiday event, and see if it doesn't make you feel authentically, wholly in-tune with the season. It completely doesn't matter if you don't celebrate Christmas. My family hasn't 'celebrated Christmas' in years.

I'm not judging you for liking the music of the season - I'm just saying: for anyone who feels a similar surge of bile every time 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' wafts into your ears...take refuge in Nat. Your savior is here.