1. 18 year olds can afford to be creative. Really. When I was 18, I would drink anything. Of course, scarcity was a major motivating factor there. But my favorite drink, for an entire summer, was Amaretto and orange juice. Amaretto and orange juice! Jesus fuck! If I drank that now I would immediately throw up, and then cry. But 18 year olds have livers like big juicy pomegranates, and 26 year olds have livers that resemble the human brain.
2. Whiskey is A Solitary Libation. Please respect that.
3. That 'beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, never fear' rhyme can be disproved in a variety of ways, none of which are especially pretty.
4. Champagne has its own set of rules. Rules that should be obeyed unless you totally don't care about publically engaging in bouts of insane giggling, impromptu speeches, or over enthusiastic dance moves.
4a. The only things you should mix with champagne are orange juice, cranberry juice, grape juice...ok, 'juice', Chambord, Creme de Kassis...
4b. Ok, mix it with whatever you want, just don't use Sangria. Especially 'sangria' concocted by your friends out of all the fruity shit they found in their fridge.
5. Never Mix the Grape and the Grain. How did I not learn this until I was 26? My father dispensed this crucial nugget on New Years Day, while I cried into my gingerale wondering how on Earth two (ok, two rather generous) glasses of red wine and 2 large helpings of Jack and Coke were making me curse the gods. Also, I should have remembered Rule 2.
6. If you're of legal drinking age, you shouldn't be drinking anything served out of a plastic garbage can or a bathtub. Especially if it's purple. I'm not saying 'don't do it', I'm just saying 'don't tell everyone in the office about it', because they'll judge you.
7. Rum Makes You Steal.
7a. Wait, that's just me? Whatever. There's one drink that makes you more likely to steal than others. If you're at a party, and they're serving that drink, do the decent thing and advise the host to protect their lawn ornaments accordingly.
8. Just because you can make anything into a drinking game, doesn't necessarily mean you should. Necessarily.
9. Some people sweat out booze the next day, some people do not. You need to know which group you belong to if you ever plan on drinking on a weeknight post-college.
10. If you don't have at least 3 different hangover remedies by the time you're in your mid-twenties, your mentors have failed you. And not to be harsh, but you need better friends.
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11. Don't drink The Captain straight from a Bart's coffee mug hidden in your mailbox and ride the PVTA.
Ok, well, I wasn't sure if I had to alert other people to that one. I don't think most people experience that - we may have just been outstandlingly creative. And to our credit, we only made that mistake once.
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