Dunk You!

Seriously, why do I only ever see basketball-associated celebrities in real life? It's a really weird thing to be annoyed by, but it's just been following me around my whole life. Like, growing up in Amherst - people saw Uma Thurman at the bookstore, or ran into Robert Downey Jr. at Rao's. I? Saw Marcus Camby off the court a few times. And some lady that is now in the WNBA like, guest-coached at my brother's basketball camp when he was nine, but that totally doesn't count.

And when I lived in New Orleans? People were always like "Ooh, I was out at some weird bar in the Warehouse District last night, and I saw Jude Law and Sienna Miller!" Or "Ooh, there was this drive by last night at the corner of Magazine and Prytania, and I totally saw Sean Penn outside in his bathrobe drinking a beer and watching the cops like, search the area!" You know who I saw in New Orleans? KOBE BRYANT. In the French Quarter, on my way to a Bloody Mary lunch at Pat O's my first year of law school. And I was so underwhelmed. I think I even turned to the person I was with like "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THAT TOTALLY ISN'T KOBE BRYANT, KOBE BRYANT IS CERTAINLY TALLER THAN THAT, BESIDES, WHO CARES ABOUT KOBE BRYANT, HE'S A TOTAL DOUCHE." (Yes, I was absolutely yelling.) And of course, it was Kobe Bryant, but WHO CARES because KOBE BRYANT IS A TOTAL FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Christ.

Then one time when I was visiting L.A. (I know, Los Angeles, right? EVERYBODY spots a famous person when they're out there!) do you want to guess who I saw? No, DON'T BOTHER because you would not guess if you had a thousand chances. John Salley. Yes, John Salley. We were driving around Venice and he was just crossing the street in Bermuda shorts and a polo. First, I was like "OF COURSE I WOULD SEE, OF ALL POSSIBLE QUASI-FAMOUS PEOPLE, JOHN FUCKING SALLEY." and then I was like "why do I even know who John Salley is?" but whatever. That's my own issue.

And now I'm in Boston; there are all these celebs running around and filming movies and whatnot, and I've NEVER SEEN ANY OF THEM. You know who I saw outside the Colonnade Hotel last year? COACH FUCKING CAL. Who also happened to live in Amherst for the majority of my formative celebrity spotting years. Cannot. catch. A break.

I don't know why I even give a crap. It's not like I'm going to see Kate Hudson on Newbury Street and be all "I AM NOW COMPLETE." But still. I just want to see one. Because an alternate explanation might be that I see celebrities ALL THE TIME and I only recognize basketball players. Which is even weirder than being able to identify John Salley in a beach ensemble.