A Shot and a Beer, Delores

It probably goes without saying: I'm delighted by the outcome of the election. Obama is my jam, and I want to have a beer with Biden so much, I own a cozy with a picture of his face on it. There are more lady senators than ever, and check it: burgeoning religious diversity! A Buddhist lady! A Hindu lady! (Which made me think, if I were ever to take office - it's a hypothetical, roll with me - would they allow me to swear in on The Ballad of the Sad Cafe? Carson McCullers is as close as I get to religion.) We're four states closer to universalizing the right to marry whoever the hell you're crazy enough to want to do that with. And I have yet another reason to visit the baby brother in Boulder. America 2012: now with more weed!

But, hey, stoner! Pay attention.We're not done yet. This is just another good step. There's still so much to fix. Like - there is still a ton of racist garbage going on. Case in point: The Washington Redskins.

One cool thing about DC is that most of  the sports teams are in different divisions than Boston teams, so I can be a fan without betraying loyalties. But I realized this fall: I cannot root for the Redskins. Because...what...how...this the name of the capital city's football team? Guys, that word is a fucking slur. It's disgusting. It is not celebratory. It is a hateful, hateful thing. Because it's a tradition, because everyone's used to it: these are not reasons to continue the practice in perpetuity. Do you really need examples of 'traditional' practices where, in hindsight, it's just 'Holy shit, what the hell was WRONG with everyone?' I brought this up with Kyle the other day, and he was like 'Okay, but is the Cleveland Indians mascot not more racist than Washington's team name?' And he has a point, that bullshit is also terrible, but we don't need to involve a scale of racism. It is all vile. Like, HOW IS ANYONE OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS?

Why isn't everyone talking about this all the time? Every game? Why haven't the Commissioners of ALL THE SPORTS just gotten together for lunch one day and been like 'Guys, none of this is alright. Let's fix it right now. Let's just split some calamari and - what, okay you want the mussels? Bud, you don't like mussels? Of course you don't. Hmm. Beef carpaccio? What? No. We aren't getting the spinach-artichoke dip. This isn't TGIFridays. Okay FINE, get it, just can we please talk about changing all these abhorrent team names and mascots? Fans would be so into this! It'd be like the time M&M's had people vote on the new color! Remember? Okay, sure some people miss tan, but that's not a super valid comparison, because tan M&Ms weren't COMPLETELY FUCKING RACIST. I mean, we changed the Bullets. To the Wizards, I know, entirely stupid name, we'll need to brand-manage better this time, but really. DC didn't want to be the Bullets anymore because of the negative associations with violence and being the murder capitol and all. What about the negative associations of, oh, I don't know, murdering millions of people with smallpox blankets and forcing them out of their homes just because some white people wanted to raise their stupid cows there? That's not negative enough? I'm just saying - OH MY GOD, DAVID, NOBODY WANTS THE APPETIZER SAMPLER, THAT IS ALWAYS THE WORST DEAL ON THE MENU.'

Because kids, we're better than this. You know? Just today I was bitching about how we haven't changed Columbus Day to American Holocaust Remembrance Day, and the discussion turned to getting credit for 'finding' something you stumbled across while looking for something else. Like when I 'find' an ill dive bar in a weird neighborhood after wandering around in search of a subway station. People have been drinking there for mad long. It was merely a personal discovery. Later my friend compared America, at it's best, to a great dive bar, and we were both like 'Oh shit, that is the best way to think about it.' And there's no place I'd rather be than a great dive bar. You know?

Tuesday night, I left Kyle's still nervous about what kind of country I'd wake up to on Wednesday (the Metro should totally run late on election night). I was walking down the street listening to Rihanna on my giant headphones, in an outfit that involved no pants and a lot of scarves, eating a cookie with TWO KINDS of chocolate chips, and I was like 'Dude, I love America! Romney can't win.' Then I didn't feel like eating the rest of the cookie, so I threw it in the street. Obama's America: Where the streets are paved with chocolate chip cookies! Half-eaten chocolate chip cookies, though. We've still got a lot of work to do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go help those old white men get through their lunch meeting so I can feel okay cheering for RG III. Because he's dope. And before Goodell starts pegging waitresses with dinner rolls. He's a mess when he doesn't get his way on the first course.

I love this bar.


a) Despite the lighthearted end note, we still need to fix all the mascots, and Columbus Day. 
b) I wasn't like, naked and wrapped up in scarves or anything, it was my typical unbalanced ratio of leggings-to-layers-on-top.
c) I figured throwing the cookie in the street wasn't littering because there are animals, but now I feel bad about luring them into the street, and what if chocolate is bad for raccoons like it is for dogs? I feel bad about this now. See? LOT OF WORK TO DO. 

An Open Letter to Our President Elect

Dear Mr. Barack Obama,

I'm reading the news lately, and I'm noticing: people have some high fucking expectations where you're concerned. Even though we haven't yet struggled out from beneath the slow moving plague of shock and appall that was the presidency of George W. Bush, the American people are somehow of the belief that you're already well on your way to revitalizing the economy, solving the foreclosure crisis, curing AIDS, feeding every hungry child- and healthily, so as not to contribute to the obesity epidemic, finding homes for the abandoned pets in every animal shelter, eliminating the clusterfuck that is the BCS,removing heinous musicians from the airwaves, giving everyone a hybrid car by next Christmas and renaming all of Sarah Palin's children.

That's a lot of pressure, man. Especially considering that you recently had to move halfway across the country, your two (adorable and seemingly delightfully well mannered) daughters have to start at a new school, you're looking for a new pet and I'm sure your wife is totally stressed out about what to wear to Inauguration, considering the debacle that was her Election Night frock. (I'm not suggesting that's all Michelle is stressed out about - I'm positive she's stressed about all of the above, combined with the uncertainties of her new role and I'm sure some conflicted reluctance about the sacrifice of her own career - I have a lot of respect for Michelle Obama. I'm just saying - it's one more thing on top of a really huge pile.)

So, dear President Elect - I know I'm just one girl, and you likely won't hear me above the chorus of millions chanting their love, admiration and oh yes - their demands - at you, but if you can hear me, listen: it's all going to be ok. You're fucking awesome. Enjoy your party. People really love you, and if they're a little too insistent about everything, it's only because we've all been starving for so long, and in a lot of people's eyes, you represent the feast of what we've been missing for the past eight years/forever. We're excited.

I say - chill for a minute. Take the rest of January to settle in. Take February too, if you need it - it's a short month, and nothing really important happens. It's freezing in one half of the world, and the other half is on vacation because it's end of their summer. All that shit will still be here when you're ready to take it all on in March. In the meantime, I'll work on tempering everyone's insane expectations. Like seriously, you're not going to be able to get Nickelback roasted over a rotisserie spit on live television. That's fascism shit, you don't have that kind of power. But deportation? Maybe. It's all about managing expectations. No, no, you don't have to thank me, I'm happy to do it, really.

But if you could - tell Michelle I think she'd look divine in something long, and steel-grey blue with very simple lines. Or a maroon/purple hue. Just a suggestion.