Stranger In My House

Perhaps you've seen some of the recent press devoted to the epidemic/trend/bias word for 'observation': lots of people live alone these days. More than ever before, I guess. And it's making some people weird.

Like, really weird. I read about one dude who so delighted in the 'freedom' of living alone, he took the damn doors off his bathroom. Dude, I mean...I'm glad you're so comfortable, but this also suggests that you're at a place where you've stopped considering even the possibility of entertaining guests - or, really, any other human beings, ever - and that doesn't seem like a great sign.

I don't know how they do it.

And I'm not even really a 'people' person. In theory, I am full of love for all people and things. In practice, I hate like, 90% of everyone. Hate them a lot. I also really enjoy my own company. (Convenient, no?) Most things that people want company for, I really, really like doing by myself:

- Shopping

With the exception of Miss D, I really hate shopping with anyone. It takes too long. I only really care about what I want to buy. I want to be able to get really neurotic and try one thing on four times without judgement. Sometimes after two minutes in a store, I'm like 'fuck it, I don't want to shop right now, I want to talk a walk by myself and look at buildings' and if you're with somebody, that's hard to explain. It's also crazy selfish and flighty, so why put that on someone else?

- Going to Museums

I LOVE museums, and while I enjoy them with other people, I only truly LOVE them by myself. It's impossible to find someone who dorks out over the exact same shit you dork out over. Sometimes it's cool to have someone nearby, so you can exclaim 'OMG they have four Reginald Marsh's here!!!' except then they're like 'who's Reginald Marsh?' and that's fine, but still, Reginald Marsh! I'm going to check that out...by myself.

- Having any Kind of Spa Treatment

You know what I would LOVE? A hairdresser that did not feel the need to speak to me. I have so much anxiety before every haircut. What am I going to talk to this person about for 45 minutes?!?! It's why I don't think anyone needs to have breakfast with strangers - perform your service, and let's get out of here. We shouldn't have to make up common ground! The only time I've ever had a regular hairdresser was when I lived in the North End. This lady made my hair look fabulous, and was completely indifferent to me and I LOVED her for it. Then she moved and didn't really say goodbye, and oh my god I loved her so much.

But living alone? Uh-uh. I've done it for a month at a time, tops, and it's always awful. I drink so much! I hallucinate faces outside the windows constantly (probably not helped by the drinking, I know) I get glued in one spot. I don't get anything done. I watch entire seasons of America's Next Top Model that I've already seen. It's a total fucking meltdown. And I guess I'm lucky in that I've had pretty excellent random Craigslist experiences. Maybe it's weirdish, but it also seems like a really human thing to do. Like we're all this band of survivors who got out of our mid-20's without our living situations figured out, and now we have this weird little community in the New World. I don't know, it's not that dramatic.

Back in law school, my friend T extolled the virtues of solo living: "You can eat toast in your panties at 2am!" And as cool as that sounds, not once in the seven years since she dropped that on me has 2am rolled around, and I've I been like "I wish you motherfuckers did not live here, SO I COULD JUST SIT HERE IN MY UNDERWEAR AND EAT THIS TOAST IN PEACE." Like, seriously, most living situations I've been in, I'm pretty sure everyone would have been like 'dude, if it means so much to you, knock yourself out."

Certain things just seem unnatural to me. I guess living alone is one of them. Actually, besides living, I think there are only two other things I CANNOT DO by myself:

- Go to the Movies

This is not unnatural to me at all, I just can't do it. I don't know why. It's not like you can talk to someone during the movie anyway? Probably it's the post-movie discussion. If I'm paying $10, I want someone to chatter with afterwards. Also, I need someone to tell me what happened while I was in the bathroom. Oh, I totally get why I don't go alone.

- Attend a Party/Wedding/Function Where I am Expected to Mingle and/or Network

Oh, my goodness, I HATE doing that shit on my own. I tell people this and they're like 'but kk, you love parties, you love talking to people, you love...' Actually? I don't. Actually, I'm cripplingly insecure with a rabid case of social anxiety that I refuse to accept, so I end up drinking, and then I'm really fun and I do love meeting you and talking to you, but also, I'm drunk, and would you rather just go for a walk and look at buildings?

People + Buildings. It just always makes sense, to me.